Running with Light Sabers
by PrivateJokesRUs
Summary: Harry is forced into saving Draco from spiders in the Forbidden Forest that watch too much Star Wars, Snape is in a safari suit stalking people, Kermit is Yoda, and Harry just knows everybody is on something.... Star WarsHarry Potter parodycross over
1. Chapter 1

Running with Lightsabers

By KeithUrbanFan and She-who-must-not-be-named666

X Chapter One X

"I'm telling you, one more favor for Hagrid and I'm done!" Ron said exasperatedly, as he wiped more sticky green slime from his shirt with a paper towel. "Well at least this time it wasn't more rabid pixies, or…" As they headed up a hill towards Hogwarts a sudden scream interrupted him, drawing his attention to the direction of the sound. "What the…" Ron began as he spotted a bleach-blonde figure being dragged across the grounds by some giant spiders. 

Harry followed Ron's gaze and his face took on an odd expression. Hogwarts was by far the weirdest place on earth…As he squinted to get a better view; he recognized the bleach-blonde hair as belonging to no other then Draco Malfoy. The boy was being dragged against his will by large spiders Harry had to guess were related to Aragog towards the Forbidden forest. He could ask himself why, but thought it wasn't worth it.

Harry glanced towards Ron. "Should we…?" he started. Ron scoffed.  
"Harry, you're going to have to get over that hero's instinct you have to  
save everyone. This is Malfoy were talking about here." he added. And with that he kept walking. Harry shrugged and followed him up towards the castle.

……………………………………………………………………………………………. 

As Harry and Ron settled into a couch in the Gryffindor tower near Hermione, the portrait hole swung open roughly and Pansy Parkinson rushed in. She spotted Harry and hurried over and stopped, out of breath. After about a minute of her bent over trying to catch her breath, she began.

"Harry….need…." At this point everyone was looking at her strangely. "Harry!" she exclaimed.

"Umm…yeah?" Harry replied, looking at her awkwardly.

"Malfoy..." She began, "Giant spiders took Malfoy!"

Harry raised his eyebrow.

"Yeah, I know, Ron and I saw it on the way up here," he said.

"Well you have to go save him!" she exclaimed. "And why would Harry want to do that?" Ron asked her, butting into the conversation. "Because he has to!" Pansy replied. "And why do I have to?" Harry asked. "Because you do!" she exclaimed.

Harry was about to ask once again why he was obligated to go save Malfoy, when Hermione came up, giving them all a strange look. "What's going on here?" she asked suspiciously. Pansy sighed in an agitated tone and cupped her hand over Hermione's ear, explaining things in a whispered tone. "OH!" Hermione exclaimed. She turned to Harry and said "Harry, you have to go save Malfoy!"

Harry, expecting more rationality from Hermione, exclaimed in an agitated way "Why? Why do I have to go save Malfoy!"

"Just because you do Harry, since when have you ever questioned us when we tell you that you have to save someone, eh? So just do it."

Harry glared at her, "I don't see why I have to go save him, why can't you or Crabbe and Goyle or Snape even," he complained.

"Because you have to do it." Hermione stated. "Besides," Pansy cut in, "The last time I saw Snape he was wearing his little safari suite and headed off to the forest, and we all know what he's like then so he'd be no help anyway,"

"Yeah but…wait what?" Harry asked in confusion.

"Oh never mind just go!" Pansy exclaimed. "Fine fine I'll go…" Harry grumbled, looking a little ticked off. He turned and began to head out the portrait hole when Pansy and Hermione came running after him again. "Wait, wait!" Hermione exclaimed. "What now?" Harry growled. "You'll need this," Pansy stated, holding out a bundle of some kind of green stretch material.

Harry raised his eyebrow and took the bundle, opening it up. It was a pair of brown tights with a brown belt and a loose green cotton shirt with a small green pointed hat with an orange feather sticking out of the side. Harry looked back up at the two girls and began "Umm…why do I need this?"

"Harry what did I tell you about asking questions! Now just put it on!" Hermione exclaimed.

_A few minutes later…_

Harry, clad in the tights, shirt, and little green hat, aggravated marched down the hall away from Gryffindor tower, cursing Pansy and Hermione and Malfoy and all this stupidity. Feeling extremely stupid, he exited the castle and headed down the grounds, kicking at the grass as he went, not even knowing exactly what it was he was supposed to be doing. A rustle in the corner of his eye sight caught his attention and he looked toward it. Someone dressed in safari clothes was crouched in a bush a few feet away watching him. He remembered something Pansy had said and looked again at the figure as it rustled again in the bush. He saw a pair of binoculars watching him and a long greasy hooked nose. He shrugged and kept walking.

As he passed Hagrid's hut he received one of the biggest scares of his life as the massive figure of Hagrid jumped out in front of him, appearing out of no where and exclaiming "Hi!" Harry clutched at his chest and exclaimed "Hagrid you almost killed me!"

"Oh sorry Harry" Hagrid said. Then they just stood there. A few minutes later Harry was still standing there, when Hagrid exclaimed "Oh yeah! Harry, I'm supposed ter give ya somethin'."

"Umm…okay Hagrid..." Harry replied. "Here." Hagrid said, reaching into his many pockets. He pulled out a pink feather duster and held it out to Harry. Harry raised his eyebrows and stared at the pink feather duster. Hagrid, noticing Harry hadn't taken his gift, looked down at his own hand. "Oh wait, that's not it…" He said, stuffing the feather duster back into his pockets and pawing through his coat for something else. He pulled out a magazine, glanced at it, turned red, and stuffed it back in his pocket as Harry read the title "Play Goat" on the cover.

"Borrowed it from Dumbledore…" Hagrid mumbled as he shuffled through his many pockets. As Harry wondered what the hell else Hagrid kept in that coat and felt bad for any live things he kept, Hagrid pulled something out with an exclamation of triumph. "Here ya go!" he said, holding something out for Harry. Harry took it and glanced at it oddly with a feeling of familiarity. It was some kind of metal object in the shape of a long cylinder.

"What is this?" Harry asked, glancing at the odd thing he was holding. "It's ter help you on yer quest!" he exclaimed proudly, "You'll need it later,"

"But what is it?" Harry repeated, knowing Hagrid was a little slow. "Press that button there," he replied, pointing to a button on the metal cylinder. Harry found himself hoping the thing didn't begin to vibrate, as he reached over and pressed the button. A swoosh of pink light shot out of the tip of the metal and almost tore at Hagrid before he jumped away. "Arg! Watch it with that thing!" he exclaimed.

"Uh, what is it?" Harry asked, holding it out and swooshing it in front of Hagrid. "What'd I say! Are ya tryin to kill me with that thing? Quit waving it around like that!" Hagrid said, trying to dodge it. "What kind of Muggle kid are you anyway Harry?" he asked, "This is a light saber,"

Harry raised his eyebrow and glanced at the thing in his hand. "A light saber?" he asked skeptically.

"Yes, yer gonna need it to save Malfoy," Hagrid replied, "Now put that thing away before you cut someone's hand off!"

Harry pressed the button again and the pink light disappeared. "Wait a minute…" Harry began "Light sabers don't come in pink…"

"Well we made an exception for you Harry," Hagrid said, rolling his eyes.

"Wait…hey!" Harry exclaimed. "Oh yer a fruit and we all know it Harry, now stop wasting time and go save yer Malfoy!"

"Hey…but!" Harry began in protestation, but before he could say more Hagrid was pushing him toward the forest, then running the other way.

Harry watched Hagrid begin to skip away. "Look for Kermit!" Hagrid called as he ran off. "He'll show you the way!"

Harry sighed and turned back towards the forest wondering what everyone was on today. He looked down at the pink light saber in his hand, shrugged, and kept on walking to the forbidden forest.


	2. Chapter 2

**She-who-must-not-be-named666's authors' note**: This is the first installment of our new and hopefully long parody fic, enjoy and laugh your butts off! (Uh, I hope…), and sorry, pink light sabers are limited edition, there are only two made, one for Harry, and one for the co-author of this story, Erika (KeithUrbanFan). Please R & R!

X Chapter Two X

Harry Potter trudged down the dirt paved path of the Forbidden Forest, grumbling to himself. He tripped several times on roots, scraping his knees and putting a run in his tights, and noted with an uneasy feeling the amount of spider-webs was growing. He was getting close.

It began to drizzle, as Harry grew closer to what looked like a pond. Harry sighed and hitched up his tights to avoid soaking them in water.

"At least things couldn't get much worse, right?" he complained aloud. Suddenly Harry felt something hard bounce off the back of his head. "Ow! My freakishly large head!" he cried, stopping to glance around. "Who threw that!" he demanded.

"I did," croaked something sitting cross-legged on a lillypad in the middle of the lake. It appeared to be meditating. Harry squinted his eyes. It was a frog…of some sort. But it was very old….and short…and full of wrinkles….what that hair growing out from his ears?

"Kermit? Kermit the Frog?" he asked, in confusion. This was greeted by another rock to his cranium.

"Kermdoda the Frog am I," the creature replied with a scratchy voice. "But call me Kermdoda you may." The frog's eyes seemed to grow foggy as his voice gained a youthful dreaminess in it. "Ahhh Kermit the Frog….I haven't heard that name in a very very very very very very long-"

"Get to the point!" screamed Harry.

"Shut the hell up!" Kermdoda snapped "I was about to tell you that I _was_ Kermit once!"

"But you just said-"

"Changed my name, did I, to escape Darth Voldie. Talk backwards sometimes I do, for senile am I."

"Wait so you only changed your _first_ name to escape being detected?"

"It wasn't a very thorough search."

"Ah."

"Yeah..."

There was a moment of awkward silence. Harry looked down and scuffed his shoe in the dirt.

"Come to seek the help of Kermdoda you did. Why?"

"Well my friend Draco-I mean Malfoy. And he's not my friend. I hate him. He's evil and his feet stink." Harry said, a sweat drop running down his forehead.

"Mmm-Hmm." Kermdoda replied, rolling his eyes.

"Well you see he was dragged off by these giant spiders and I need to know where they've-"

There was a loud splash as Kermdoda bounded off the lillypad and over to Harry.

"Taken, your Draco was!" Kermdoda shouted excitedly.

"He's not my-" Harry tried to interject, but Kermdoda cut him off.

"Spiders, said you? Then it was Jabba the Hutt no doubt! Stop him we must!" Kermdoda said, jumping up and down doing karate moves. He stopped. 

"Well don't just stand there looking pretty!" Kermdoda shouted and Harry blushed, "Do something!"

Kermdoda's eyes fell on the light saber in Harry's hand. "Ahhhhh," he said. "Come to train to be a Jedi, you have." He cooed.

"What? No!" Harry said.

"Come now, young Harry aren't you ready to fight for your Draco?"

"For the last time he IS NOT-" Harry shouted, turning red.

"Train you I shall. 'Tis in your blood to be a Jedi, Harry. Just like your father." Kermdoda cut in.

"MY DR-" Harry shouted, and then stopped abruptly.

"M-My father was a Jedi?" he asked, with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes actually," said Kermdoda quite seriously, "You come from a long line of Jedi Knights young Harry. Just as the Malfoy family you speak of come from a long line of chocolatiers. They are both very interesting stories…maybe you'd like to hear-"

"Maybe later," Harry said, with a wave of his hand. "You're saying my father was a Jedi too? And how'd that work out?" he asked.

"Well…." Kermdoda said, looking at the floor. "He died," he coughed, covering his mouth.

Harry stared at him blankly. "Okay then. Nice meeting you!" he said, walking back the direction he came.

"Oh come on!" Kermdoda shouted, "You woke me up with your stupid angst! We're gonna do this thang!"

"I said-" Harry said angrily, turning around.

"Don't make me sing…" Kermdoda threatened. "A few songs from my younger days do I still know…" He cleared his throat. "Muppet Babies, we make our  
dreams come true! Muppet Babies, we'll do the same for you!"

"Argghhhh!" Harry cried, sinking to his knees with his hands over his ears. Tears rolled out of his eyes. "The pain!"

"Alright, I'll do it." Harry finally shouted. "Just…don't do that again," he said with a shudder.

Kermdoda smiled a smug smile. "Come," he said. "To my home, to train, we must go!" He pointed at a small green igloo like house across the pond. They slowly made their way towards it.

"Sort of a dump," Harry observed.

"Eh," shrugged Kermdoda, "It's what you get with unemployment checks."

They, eventually, made it inside. Kermdoda hurried about the room, picking up boxers strewn about the room and kicking pizza boxes aside. "I haven't had company in quite some time,' he remarked.

"I see," said Harry eyeing him as he hastily stuffed a few copies of "Play Goat" magazine into the seat cushions of the sofa. "I uh borrowed that from Dumbledore…he has a subscription…" Kermdoda murmured, turning red.

"So I've heard…" Harry remarked dryly. "Hey, what's this?" He asked, picking up a gray helmet.

"That's what you'll be using to teach you to master the force." Kermdoda said. "Here let me show you…Hmmm I'll be needing a light saber for myself. I doubt if I'll be able to find my old one in time for-"

Kermdoda was interrupted as there was a loud crash and a shower of broken glass. A light saber landed at their feet, and Kermdoda both stared at the figure outside through the hole in the now broken window. It was wearing a safari suit and running away as fast as its pale, hairy legs would carry it.

"Was that…?" Kermdoda started to ask.

"It's probably better if you don't know…" Harry said, with a sigh.

Kermdoda picked up the light saber and pressed the button. It opened with a loud 'Neeerrr' noise. "Sweet," said Kermdoda, swishing his green saber.

"Watch me," Kermdoda said, putting on the helmet as an orb shot red lasers at him. Kermdoda warded them all off with his light saber with great ease. "Try now, you must," Kermdoda said, handing him the helmet. "Trust the force!"

Harry opened his pink light saber, feeling a bit stupid. Kermdoda thankfully did not comment on his choice of color, and Harry slipped the helmet onto his head.

He missed every one.

"It's alright," said Kermdoda patiently. "Again, you must try. I believe in you young Harry."

Three hours dragged by, and Harry had made little improvement. Okay he had made no improvement. No need to rub it in.

Kermdoda snatched the helmet off his head and threw it across the room. "You frigging jackass! Can you do nothing right? Younglings were doing this at five years old! Five! And you can't hit a single one!" he shouted, throwing his wrinkled hands in the air in frustration.

Harry's lower lip quivered. "I sorry…"

Kermdoda sighed. "Oh you're completely hopeless…you must be some kind of descendant of Luke…" he said, rubbing his temple.

"We're running out of time," Kermdoda said, pushing Harry out of his house, "We have to get to Jabba's palace and try to get back your Draco. Your light saber is pink so you'll have that going for you. That ought to give you the element of surprise."

"Wait, you're coming with me aren't you?" Harry asked, growing nervous, "Because I'm completely powerless on my own! I need constant praise, compliments, ego boosters and whatnot!"

Kermdoda stepped out of his house and eyed the beige clad figure crouching "conspicuously" behind a bush next to him. He shook his head sadly as the man quickly twisted the magnifying knob on his binoculars.

"Come with you I shall Harry," he replied, turning away from Snape. "You should probably know though that at soon as the fighting gets really serious I'll disappear and turn into a useless, yet safe, hologram. Losers say what. " Kermdoda said quickly.

"What?" Harry asked.

"Nothing…" Kermdoda said in a guiltless sing-song voice. "Let's get going."

It took them another hour just to get to the front walk, because of how slow Kermdoda had become over the years. In the end, Harry ended up carrying him piggyback.

"I'm getting too old for this…" Kermdoda muttered to himself.

"That's for sure," Harry huffed, as he continued down the path. Kermdoda bitch slapped his head, sending his glasses flying.

"How long until we get there?" Harry asked, after recovering his spectacles.

Harry glanced at a green metal sign along side the dirt road. It read:

---

Miles to Jabba On Foot - 2

Miles to Jabba With Frog On Back - 20

Haha Sucker.

----

Harry groaned. Kermdoda smiled. "Why do you look so happy?" Harry shouted.

"Happy, I am not," Kermdoda replied with the same expression on his face, "Constipated am I…"

Harry cringed, and looked down the long twisting road. It was going to be a long trip.


End file.
